On Wednesday, December 31, 2014, I looked at the clock and realized I had less than 90 minutes to eat lunch, get ready for work, and put out the last issue of the year. If a December issue was going to go out it had to be done in that moment. Even though all the content needed to be created, I accepted the challenge. I was shocked that I actually met the deadline and made it to work on time with lunch in my belly.
Did the issue turn out exactly as I had hoped? No. Giving myself permission to have some sloppy success, however, was revealing. I realized that whether I spend days or minutes writing an article, it always falls short to me. As I think about what I want to share with you, there is so much moving in me. Yet when I try to put it into words, it falls flat. Even after I spend an excruciatingly long time fine tuning the final result feels watered down, like something got lost in the translation. Words fail.
The title of this article says "sometimes" but the truth is I often feel like an alien. Not only do I feel like I speak a different language that just doesn't resonate with others, but most of my life I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my body and on this planet. I'm incredibly grateful for the individuals and opportunities that crossed my path and made me believe it was worth staying here. A friend, who also does energy work, once said to me "you aren't in your body! How can you do such amazing bodywork when you are barely in your own body?!?" This was because I had no problem anchoring and grounding myself while doing intuitive bodywork and coaching. (Thankfully this isn't much of an issue for me anymore as one of the many gifts that Heart IQ has given me is being able to deeply ground and anchor into my body for myself. My level of self acceptance and unconditional self-love has grown exponentially since I was introduced to Heart IQ.)
I recently had the pleasure of being in a Heart IQ circle. I shared with the group my thoughts on feeling like an alien, being invisible and unheard. During one of my processes a woman said to me "your language is not words, it is energy". In some ways I've known this my whole life and yet this simple statement said with such clarity hit me like a freight train.
During the Heart IQ circle I got to try on "speaking with my energy", which took the form of ecstatic dance, people were deeply moved. (Side note: had I not done previous Heart IQ processes allowing me to be deeply anchored into my body and comfortable in my own skin, I would not have danced alone with people just sitting and watching--it would have freaked me out too much!) I had communicated what I was feeling without words and they TOTALLY got it.
In this realization my limiting belief that "I can't reach others and make an impact" began to crumble. As I continued processing the powerful insights I received during the Heart IQ circle, I began to wonder "what other limiting beliefs do I hold about myself?" What surfaced was "I'm not creative." Facebook continually reminds me that its been X number of days since I've posted something on my business page. Feels like it's saying "don't you have anything interesting or valuable to share?" Then there is all of the content that other people share at speeds that give me whiplash. This super fast-paced society we live in feels so unnatural to me. Again that alien feeling washes over me and a part of me thinks that maybe I was born in the wrong century.
As I began to think about paintings I have created, how I move my body during ecstatic dance/moving meditation, the art that is the intuitive bodywork and coaching I do, I could no longer hold the limiting belief that I am not creative. As I declared I AM CREATIVE, insight regarding my creative process began to pour in. Now I know that when I get blocked, I need to move the energy through ecstatic dance/moving meditation and intuitive painting/drawing to allow the words and inspiration to flow. When the words are ready to come, it needs to be a free-for-all of random thoughts. I need to feel the words and let them flow through me rather than "think" about what I want to express.
I have to say that holding this wisdom in my heart made this month's issue much more enjoyable to create. While the final product still feels a bit lacking, maybe the words don't matter so much and I just need to trust that the intention and energy I embedded throughout this process will be felt. Maybe I'll even see content creation as being an exciting exploration instead of excruciatingly time consuming. I have a feeling the more I embrace my creative process the easier it will get. I might even discover that I am a creative powerhouse :)
These revelations regarding my creative process and language/unique expression prompted further self exploration. What supports me in moving through this life with greater ease and joy? What doesn't?
Moments after I asked these questions, I clearly heard "more flow, less structure". Suddenly it was all coming together: my language is energy...energy needs to move...I thrive and shine when I am in my flow.
I often find comfort in structure and having a plan. Unfortunately I think this structure has been holding me back. So now I am giving myself allowance for greater flow once a certain level of comfort has been established. I'm also looking at where there is unnecessary structure and have been "trying on" being in more flow in my approach to cooking, parenting, day to day tasks and various other areas of my life. It is amazing how quickly things are shifting.
One thing that has become non-negotiable is time for MEEE (meditation, exercise, expression, exploration), which now bookends my day. I begin my day with 10-60 minutes of some combination of meditation, exercise, body rolling and ecstatic dance. Even though sometimes it feels like I just don't have the time to fit this in, I almost always find that taking the time to create this foundation helps to propel me through my day. The day goes much more smoothly and time even seems to expand. Before bed I take time for MEEE again which often takes the form of body rolling, creating and journaling/reflecting on the events and insights of the day. Each activity helps to build the resilience of my body, mind and spirit in different ways. You have heard me share before that the greatest gift you can give to the world is to be your healthiest self. You also have heard that you need to put your oxygen mask on before putting on your child's mask. I don't know about you, but I'm choosing to put on my oxygen mask simply because I deserve some oxygen.
Have you put on your oxygen mask lately? What activities are you doing that build the resilience of your body? Your mind? Your spirit? Do you believe that you deserve to spend time enriching yourself or does it feel selfish or self serving? What other limiting beliefs do you hold about yourself or others? Do you believe you aren't: creative, good enough, strong, special...? Do you believe you don't have the time or resources you need? What supports you in moving through this life with greater ease and joy? What doesn't?
Take some time to ask yourself these self-exploration questions and do some "internal housekeeping". Don't spend another year...month...week...day doing the same things that simply aren't leading you to the life you desire.
I'd love to assist you in unearthing your limiting beliefs and discovering ways to set up a life that supports you, contact me to schedule your complimentary discovery session.
To learn more about other internal housekeeping I've done this month, check out my article "Reviewing, Revamping and Unfinished Business I Have With You".